Flexing our Feedback Muscles

When Mathias asked me what comes to mind when I think about feedback, on our podcast episode about it, my answer included sweaty palms. Years of managing people, leading companies, and coaching leaders, and that word can still bring back a whole collection of uncomfortable conversations.

I’ve been on both sides. I’ve received feedback that felt like a verdict, with very little room to understand it or respond. I’ve also been the person doing too much talking. The person who said someone was doing great without telling them what, specifically, was working. The person who could have been clearer, sooner.

I believe feedback is a responsibility. I also know that believing that doesn’t automatically make me good at it. There’s a gap between knowing a conversation matters and actually sitting down, preparing, and having it. That’s where the practice comes in.

The muscle metaphor feels useful to me because it gives us somewhere to start. You can practice with something small enough to talk about today, while you both still remember what happened.

Imagine leaving a meeting where a colleague brought the conversation back to a decision everyone had been avoiding. You could tell them the meeting went well. Or you could tell them that naming the decision helped you understand what you needed to do next. The second version gives them something they can use again. It also asks a little more of you: you have to pay attention to what happened and why it helped.

That same attention matters when something needs to change. Suppose a project update ends and you still don’t know whether the team needs your help. Before asking someone to communicate better, try identifying what was missing: the decision, the deadline, the request. And check whether you’d ever explained that you needed those things in the first place.

It’s an uncomfortable question for a manager. Did I make this clear, or did I assume they would figure it out? Sometimes the most useful opening is admitting that you left something unsaid.

There is another layer to all of this that Mathias explores in his post, Feedback Without Borders. We can use the same words and come away with very different understandings. He writes about the differences we’ve encountered as a German and a Californian working together, including how a modest expression of approval can sound like disappointment to the person hearing it.

I appreciate that he describes our own communication as a work in progress. We coach people on this. We wrote a book that includes it. We still have to make time to understand each other.

That makes me think about how much interpretation we ask people to do at work. A short comment on a document. A pause in a meeting. An enthusiastic response to one person’s proposal and a quieter response to another’s. We leave people to fill in the meaning, often without realizing there was anything to clarify.

It helps to ask what someone heard. Did they come away thinking the work was ready to share? Did they understand which part needed another pass? Those questions can feel almost too basic, until you discover that you’ve been having two different conversations.

Receiving feedback takes practice too. In the episode, I shared how Mathias and I have opened a feedback conversation by acknowledging the limits of our own perspective. I like the humility in that. I can tell you what I noticed and how it affected me, while leaving room for something I haven’t understood.

I want to bring that same curiosity to being on the receiving end. If someone tells me I rushed a discussion, can I ask where they needed more time before explaining why I was watching the clock? Can I let their experience have a little space? My explanation might be relevant. It doesn’t have to be my first response.

And then there’s the part after the conversation. If I said I’d leave more room for discussion, the next meeting is an opportunity to try. Later, I can ask whether it helped. That follow-through gives the person a reason to believe that speaking up was worth the effort.

For a little structure, here’s a simple way to practice from either side of the conversation. You can use these prompts to prepare on your own or work through them with a coach.

When giving feedback: notice, explain, ask.

• Notice: Name one specific moment and the behavior you observed. “In today’s project update, we finished without naming who would make the decision.” Stay close to what happened, and check whether the expectation was clear beforehand.
• Explain: Describe the effect from your perspective. “I left unsure whether you needed a decision from me, so I haven’t taken action.” Give the other person room to understand your experience without assuming you know their intentions.
• Ask: Invite their perspective and work toward a next step. “What did you need from me? How could we make that clearer next time?” Leave enough room for their answer to change your understanding.

When receiving feedback: pause, clarify, choose.

• Pause: Let the person finish. Notice the urge to explain. If you need time, say so: “I’d like to think about this and come back to it tomorrow.”
• Clarify: Ask for an example or check what you heard. “Was it the pace of the discussion, or that we closed it before you could raise your concern?” Understanding someone’s experience doesn’t require agreeing with every interpretation.
• Choose: Decide what you’ll try, then arrange to check back. “Next time, I’ll ask what we haven’t addressed before closing the discussion. Can we talk afterward about whether that helped?” If you see things differently, explain your perspective once you’ve understood theirs.

I’m still a fan of writing down what I want to say beforehand. It helps me find the point, and it helps me notice when I’m bringing five frustrations into a conversation that needs to be about one. A few notes, a specific example, enough time for the other person to respond. That’s a manageable place to begin. The sweaty palms may still show up, but I can prepare and have the conversation anyway.